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Backwash

We drag the river for stuff you didn't know you were missing.

Jimmy the Fetus
Hey, kids, Jimmy the Fetus here, your guide to moral values in the Midwest, helping everybody see that what we learned in Sunday school really matters.

Dear Jimmy:
I'm still freaked out by something I saw on Oprah last week -- this Egyptian baby girl had a second head which had, like, part of a torso but no heart of its own. And the poor second head could drool and cry and make gurgling sounds. And doctors separated the two, and they were all happy that the baby girl turned out all right. But they didn't even, like, talk about the fact that that second head had to be killed when it was separated. I can't stop thinking about it -- doesn't this cross some sort of moral line?

Eric
Leawood

Dear Eric:

I saw that episode, too, and I'm still pretty queasy myself. Not that I'm unfamiliar with the rising awareness of "parasitic twins" and how common they really are. Did you know that some docs say that one in ten of us starts out as twins, only to have one embryo win out and absorb the other? Only, we have no memory of it later. Well, take it from this seven-week-old blastocyst, I can still remember the bastard that was sharing this placental sac like it was yesterday. And Jimmy knew right away it was either going to be him or me. So save me the morality lecture, Eric. Sometimes two heads are not better than one.

Got a moral quandary? E-mail Jimmy at editorial@pitch.com.

Now Go Home
What appeared at first to be a practical joke on tourists turns out to be an earnest campaign by Westport's merchants.

Pitch staffers scratched their heads when a billboard showed up recently across the street with the words "Welcome to Westport."

The Pitch offices on Main Street are in the Crossroads District south of downtown -- nowhere near Westport -- so we thought someone was having a little fun at the expense of Kansas City newbies.

But then we noticed that other "Welcome to Westport" billboards were popping up in other places around town that were, again, nowhere near Westport, and we decided to look into it.

It turns out the advertising campaign is the brainchild of the Westport Community Improvement District, a group fueled by special taxes paid by Westport property and business owners. Tom Brenneis, executive director of the CID, says the billboard campaign was planned for months and cost about $7,000. The intention, he says, was to go on the offensive against other parts of town that are growing and capturing entertainment dollars -- places like Zona Rosa and Town Center.

OK, but what's with the dumb signs?

"I know that one part seems a little confusing," admits Beaumont Club proprietor Bill Nigro, who helped plan the campaign. "I know that looks a little bit misleading, but I think the idea was, when people think about Westport, we just want to welcome them."

Yeah, that makes sense.

The Crossroads Purge
Last week, Crossroads Infoshop ringleader Chuck Munson announced on his blog that the anarchist bookstore would be closing its doors. Last year, the shop opened in a storefront facing 18th Street just off Locust to much fanfare. Munson's plan was to host leftist summits and provide a place where clenched-fist types could lounge on couches and check out the latest revolution lit.

But in his blog, Munson revealed that the store was unable to pay its latest rent bill, a sure sign that things couldn't go on. At a meeting on May 14, the bookstore's leaders decided not to renew its lease and to close its doors on July 1. And so, after nearly a year of business, during which, in one widely noted episode, the FBI dropped in to gather information, the Infoshop is calling it quits. At least momentarily.

Munson blames a lack of downtown foot traffic and says that there have been some mild spats with artist-landlord Jeff "Stretch" Rumaner over the block's cleanliness following First Friday partying. Mostly, Munson says, it's time for a change.

"A lot of people doubted that we'd stay open past six months," he says.

In the short term, artist Mott-ley has offered up his MOMO gallery at the corner of 18th and Locust as a temporary mini-infoshop while Munson considers other ways of resurrecting his cool lefty hangout.

An Affair to Remember
Kansas City's media -- with the exception of the Pitch -- continue to act uninterested in revelations about an adulterous affair that may have convinced Tony Peña to give up his post as Royals manager on May 10. Despite the team's losing record, Peña's resignation was unusual for a baseball manager, particularly for Peña, a man noted for his optimism. But as the KC Strip pointed out last week, the rest of the town's media only reluctantly followed the Pitch when it reported that Peña's decision to leave the team came only hours before he was supposed to appear in court to testify in a Northland divorce case. The Kansas City Star has only briefly alluded to the affair, refraining even from naming Kelly and Monica Locke, the couple in the court case.

Outside of protective Kansas City, however, other news outlets aren't so shy. Sports Illustrated's May 23 issue includes a reference to Peña and the Lockes, and we hear that other news organizations are making inquiries about the upcoming June 29 trial.

Still, Star columnist Jeffrey Flanagan somehow kept a straight face as he wrote last Friday that the town has "completely forgotten" Peña -- something he ascribed to Peña's "Hispanic" accent.